Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
