My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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