At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize