Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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