I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
