i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
