At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
