I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
