Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
