i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
