I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
this hospital has no fireball
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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