There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
