I wish I could teleport
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
