So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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