Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
please don't ironically join a cult
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