i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
