Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
