My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
