Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
