Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
