I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
