hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
