I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
