You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
