Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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