Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
