the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
