theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
