i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
God, I missed his penis.
And then he peed in my hair
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