i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
