My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
