Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
