Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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