What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
