I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
