I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
