I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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