I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
