You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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