does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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