Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
