Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
