you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
