apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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