mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
