dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
