If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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