i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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