If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
