if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fuck appropriateness.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
