I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
