When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
