no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
