I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
