he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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