OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
