she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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