I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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